I was struck by Earnest English's recent comment in which she said how much she hates having to tell her family to leave her alone. Her comment made me think of how much guilt I have felt as a mother and wife. It also reminded me of something I read in the book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne. In the book, Payne talks about a therapy session with a mom during which he asks, "What's the first word you think of when you think of your role as a mother?" Her answer is worry. Payne goes on to talk with her about ways to turn that word into something else, something more positive.
As I read, I thought, my first word is guilt. And then I thought, how messed up is that? It's not joy or love. It's guilt. My husband doesn't feel guilty about about working or surfing or going on vacations with his friends. Why should I? (I know the answer to that question--I'm a woman--but still). At that moment, I decided I should let go of the guilt. I would tell my daughter (who, since age two, has complained about my work schedule) and the rest of my family that we should all focus on joy, even when we are apart, even when we are working/schooling/etc.
I started trying to let go of the guilt, and mostly, for a while, I succeeded. I thought and talked more about the joy in life. Instead of apologizing about my work, I talked about the joy it brings me and the good it does for others. I even wrote joy on a chalkboard in our kitchen. Then something happened (an argument with hubby on top of a guilt trip from daughter) that derailed my plan, and I fell off the joy wagon.
Things have been easier this semester because I'm on sabbatical, but it's going to get even worse in 2016 when I'm working full-time while trying to finish the PhD thesis. Once again, I'm going to have to be intentional about what words will define my relationships with my family. And I need to be thoughtful about what words define my relationship to my teaching and to my colleagues and to my research/writing.
Not all of us in this group are parents, but most of us are caretakers--of elders, of church members, and of ourselves. And we have relationships with our research/writing/teaching as well. It is possible to think differently--more positively--about our relationships to TLQ and the people in our lives who affect (or are affected by) our TLQ?
Also, on a somewhat but not totally related note, while reading Y.S. Lee's blog (she writes young adults mysteries), I came across her post about how she protects her creative time, along with a link to another YA writer, V. E. Schwab who quotes 18 writers on their daily writing habits. No pressure to read these, but I thought they might be inspiring diversions if you need such a thing, especially if you don't have any interest in thinking about the words that define your work and relationships. But beware: These posts have good advice about how to be productive, but they might also make you despair that you do not live the "life of a writer" and that you have a full-time job and dependents to care for. Read with caution.
http://yslee.com/2015/10/protecting-creative-time/
https://veschwab.wordpress.com/2015/09/16/18-authors-share-a-day-in-the-life/
If you didn't post goals last week, feel free to post older goals or to just start fresh.
allan wilson:
1. Exercise 4x
2. Finish data entry
3. Finish CR draft without input from collaborator
Amstr:
1) nightly check-in (plan the next day, plan food, plan exercise)
2) stay consistent with exercise (4x) and cleaning the bunny hutch (2x)
3) write 3x
4) 1 hour total decluttering
5) make afternoons available for family office hours; do one special activity per kid this week
Contingent Cassandra:
1) Conference prep (this is sort of TRQ-ish, but if I include looking up possible publication venues for an article based on the presentation, it fits my TLQ goals for the session).
2) keep to a regular sleep schedule
3) walk (let's try at least 2x again)
4) deal with most urgent household/financial matters
5) make & freeze one more pot soup if time
Daisy:
1) Keep it together mentally and make new schedule work
2) Shorten reviewed paper
3) Project planning for next phase of new work
4) Continue reading project revival
GEW:
1) Nightly check-in to plan exercise and work.
2) Complete half of revisions for Chapter 1 based on friendly-reader feedback.
3) Exercise 4x (2x swimming)
4) Spend 1 hour per day reading primary sources
5) Spend at least 3 hours writing proper text for Chapter 2
6) Take Tuesday off to swim, have a nice lunch with husband (if he's free), visit the bookstore, and maybe catch a matinee (or maybe just read) before dinner with family. #heaven
7) Call to arrange a room/studio for writing retreat (I'm rethinking the camping plan)
Earnest English:
-The big thing I have to do this week is not get totally backed up with big grading. I'm getting 20 portfolios on Tuesday, so I need to be really big and adult about this and get four done on each day I don't teach. If I get five done on each day I don't teach, then I can have one day off from grading over the weekend. I really need to do this. I have such a problem getting papers back. This is not TLQ, but it's absolutely my goal this week.
-continue taking magnesium
-make sure to eat decent food in addition to the leftover cupcakes!!!
-exercise
-get decent sleep
-don't take on anything else until you catch up on service: figure out who to delegate things to!
-nothing is worth killing yourself over. move like water.
Karen:
1. Move like water (thanks, Earnest English), Breathe.
2. Do what needs doing when it needs doing, to a good enough standard, no second-guessing.
3, Find small moments for quiet and embrace them (instead of procrastination activities that just leave me feeling more panicked than before).
KJHaxton:
1. do more printing for scary project and hopefully collect another data set.
2. finish anonymising the house project data set.
3. three hand-crafted items for Hallow'een.
JaneB:
1) so I will put first sleeping well, general self-care and aiming to make transitions into appreciative pauses - whether that's a walk around the ground floor of work, making a cup of tea and enjoying the first few mouthfuls on the back step, or just taking a minute to notice that the task I just finished was well done and to enjoy its being done, I can definitely do with more of them.
2) get ready for NaNoWriMo! I may be insane, but I'm going to try it. I'd like to spend 0.5-1 hour a day faffing around with some bits like redrawing the sketch map of the town my characters spend a lot of time in, making a list of the names of all the side characters from the last two years worth so I don't reinvent them again (I have three M---- females who got horribly mixed up last year), and making a very few notes about plot things I might include. Generally gently wander around the edges of the pool before leaping in next Sunday!
3) Have one solid attempt at the grant again, see if I can find a different hook for the project, and rework the budget (again)
4) Finish some refereeing
5) spend one hour on some TLQ writing which is not Repeater or the grant - there are several options, just pick the one I fancy.
Maude:
-The most important thing that I need to do this week is get that damn article drafted. It's a mess. And not nearly long enough, but I've got to put it together. Like EE, I've got to work on sleep. My sleep doesn't feel good right now but I think that's stress, lack of activity (and I'm normally pretty active, so my body is rebelling), and stress. So yeah, there we go. I would like to work on being in something other than survival mode because I don't like that feeling, so perhaps that's a goal, too. I think actually having the food already done for the week which means good meals which will help with a lot of stuff physically and mentally will benefit me this week.
-Also, I need to knock out the lit analyses on Thursday when they come in so they are out of the way, and get totally caught up on grading for the grad class. And I really want to enjoy Halloween this year. Last year the kid had the flu, tonsillitis, strep, and a double ear infection all at once on Halloween, so we didn't do a thing but sleep. Hopefully, knock wood, this year will be better for her.
metheist:-Also, I need to knock out the lit analyses on Thursday when they come in so they are out of the way, and get totally caught up on grading for the grad class. And I really want to enjoy Halloween this year. Last year the kid had the flu, tonsillitis, strep, and a double ear infection all at once on Halloween, so we didn't do a thing but sleep. Hopefully, knock wood, this year will be better for her.
1) clean house today--it is a definite must do
2) cook for week--another must do because I work late every night
3) Write 5 days of lecture on Ancient Greece
4) Write 5 days of lecture on Absolute/Constitutional Monarchy
5) Spend 1 hour on behemoth--aiming for 3 days
Susan:
1. Return ILL books that are due, after adding stuff to footnotes about them.
2. Get through next steps of course planning so I can do book orders. And do this before it becomes TRQ!
3. Start thinking about my contribution at the next conference, which is really off in another direction from what I've been working on.
4. Return to exercise
5. Go back to not using iPad in bed
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading the 'day in a life' blog post - lots of things to think about. I particularly liked the author who said they moved location regularly. Sometimes simply moving from my office to some place else (on Friday this was a busy student area with lots of seats) helps me get stuff done or work better. Sometimes one of the campus cafes works, or a tutorial room or even the library. Escaping from the office is welcome.
ReplyDeleteLast week's goals
1. do more printing for scary project and hopefully collect another data set.
2. finish anonymising the house project data set.
3. three hand-crafted items for Hallow'een.
1. done and 1/2 another data set collected. The 2nd half to be collected on Monday.
2. still in progress - there is a lot to go through.
3. done - 3 witch/wizard cloaks made and worn at halloween outreach event yesterday.
Last week was really busy TRQ-wise so the goals were deliberately small.
This week's goals:
1. start typing in the data for scary project
2. find and read journals for gemstone paper and project
3. start getting ready for the Christmas crafts by tidying the work space and working out what I need to buy (hopefully nothing).
I find 'day in the life' posts fascinating as well - there's something about being able to see how other people manage not just the logistics, but their priorities and their relationships as well.
DeleteHello, I didn’t check in last week. So.
ReplyDelete1. Topic
I do understand the feeling of guilt. When I worked for an educational institution, an experienced teacher once said that he wondered why a mother did not quit her job when her dear son was in a difficult time and needed help. It was like talking to himself, so he did not mean to talk to me, who had just come back from my maternity leave. I said nothing. I just didn’t know what I could answer.
Usually I believe if I work happily, my family is happy, even if I cannot stay at home when my children come back from school, or I go on a research trip leaving my children to my elderly parents and my husband. The reality is not as I hope, of course…
2. Last goals (from week5):
1) Finish the first draft of the article. - Not yet. The editor has sent an e-mail very politely asking how I was going.
2) Do not forget three minute-exercise three times a day. - One-minute exercise three or four times a day. Well, at least I did something.
3) Do not have long coffee break too often. I can take breaks, but short ones. - It worked well down to Wednesday. Thursday was the busiest, and I was too relaxed on Friday, taking too long coffee breaks.
3. Analysis:
I understood that the next day of a busy day I could not just work as planned. I need to disperse my work more evenly during the week.
4. Planning:
The deadline of the paper is coming really soon, and I am still reading materials. Do your best, Matilda! Still, take care of your health, you are not young any more…
5. Next goals:
1) Again, finish the first draft of the article.
2) Do three minute-exercise three times a day.
3) Think of working hard, and taking care of my health at the same time.
Have a good week, everyone!
My uncle once asked me about my working. I can't remember exactly what he said, but it definitely had an undertone of judgment and referred to the work as a choice. The ridiculous thing about it, at the time, was that my husband was in grad school, so I was the breadwinner of our family. Unfortunately, I was so taken aback by his question that I forgot to point that out.
DeleteTopic: Is it possible to think differently--more positively--about our relationships to TLQ and the people in our lives who affect (or are affected by) our TLQ?
ReplyDeleteI often find that TLQ is where my intellectual passions live, so I do think positively about it, although, as all of us know, there is a lot of drudge work associated with intellectual passions. That said, I do feel guilty about “indulging” myself in those passions, especially when they are not strictly part of what I need to do for tenure, promotion, or the like. Also, I feel far more conflicted about my non-academic writing, especially since that necessarily takes time away in the morning before work and the evening after work, although it certainly has given me more satisfaction than some of the work I did for tenure. I can play more with what I write for work now, but I will never have the audience that I do for the non-academic writing.
Last week’s goals: Write for 7 minutes 3x; 5 minutes 2x. Yes, many times over.
Walk midmorning 5x, and mid afternoon 5x. Yes, A win here, too.
Declutter my desk for 10 minutes 5x. Yes, helped by having an open house last Friday.
Organize my next day 5x. Yes, a good week all around!
Analysis: My writing took off last week, to my delight. I am helping my DH with an article to meet his tenure requirements, and he was having trouble organizing it so that it flowed correctly. I looked at it and had the epiphany that sometimes is granted, and reorganized the article so that it flows well from problem to resolution. There was a fair amount of writing with that, but I was also able to write a fair amount on my creative writing.
I have been struggling with some of the aftermath of my father’s death. I had hoped that my parents’ house (where I lived from 8 weeks old until college) would be sold to a family who would be able to buy a modest house in a safe, good, neighborhood. However, my sister sold it less than a week after my father’s death directly to a contractor who tore it down this past week so that he could build a McMansion on the lot. My DH encouraged me to write about the house and my memories of it, which ended up opening the floodgates. I now have drafts and notes for about 10 posts.
Next week’s goals: Write for 30 minutes 3x; 20 minutes 2x.
Walk midmorning 5x, and mid afternoon 5x.
Declutter my desk for 15 minutes 5x.
Organize my next day 5x.
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your family home. Significant places hold memory, and beyond having to sell the house, having it knocked down destroys so many anchors to your past. It sounds like your DH is very wise.
DeleteI, too, am sorry about the house. I do not have a family home from growing up (we moved around a lot), but our current house has become that for our children. I have always loved houses and homes. They are, indeed, more that wood and plaster. But the memories really do live within YOU, so, yes, DH's words seem wise.
DeleteAnd, still, you had an impressive TLQ week! Congrats! I'm sure DH was grateful for the help.
I too am sorry to hear about your losses. It is wonderful though that you will be able to share your memories with others.
DeleteThank you all for your sympathy. I do have a wise DH, and writing about the memories is helping me honor them.
DeleteWords are so ingrained in us sometimes! My standard word is definitely also "guilt"! Guilt when I'm working and not hanging out with family, guilt that my job moved us to a place where partner couldn't find work and is now living elsewhere, guilt that I haven't published enough yet to write myself into a bigger place (which I don't actually want, and also there are no jobs, but still....) and so on and so forth... Is it a more Calvinist upbringing thing or just a universal women thing? I will try to focus on a new word - "fun" because so much of what I do is actually a lot of fun :)
ReplyDeleteThis week went pretty well, not counting all the take-out! This week I'm taking an easy week because I looked over September and October and realized I did a metric crap-tonne of work! One workshop organized, conference talk, major program development for a new degree which got approved at School level last week, 3 huge submitted papers, and a technical report... So I'm going to enjoy a planning week and do some fun things with friends :)
Last week's goals:
1) Keep it together mentally and make new schedule work DONE but with multiple take-out food nights!
2) Shorten reviewed paper DONE
3) Project planning for next phase of new work FORGOT...
4) Continue reading project revival DONE but only twice.
This week's goals:
1) Cook real food most nights!
2) Run 3 times
3) Project planning, and don't forget this time!
4) Reading project - do with 3 above for planning purposes, 2 birds and all...
And this afternoon when kid wasn't looking I set all the house clocks back to yesterday's time so that I can do bedtime an hour early and get fried candy-crazed monster some extra sleep after Halloween :) Mommy win!
I think it's a woman thing. If it weren't, more men would experience the same kind of guilt.
DeleteCongrats on getting so much work done. That's fantastic! I hope you enjoy a light week this week as you plan, cook, read, etc.
Hmm. I think the word for my feelings about my obligations to my mother would be responsible. The good thing is that she feels guilty about taking my time, but then we get into a kind of passive agressive thing when I haven't been to see her enough. But I feel very responsible. So that's hard.
ReplyDeleteIt's interesting to see how other people organize their lives. I want the app that stops me playing solitaire. I go through binges of this, and then stop, but I'd like to stop now. Hmmm. But I'll wait on that habit until I've dealt with the iPad issue. One thing at a time.
For my goals from last week:
1. Return ILL books that are due, after adding stuff to footnotes about them. YES. But this will be ongoing, because I seem to have ILL'd a lot of books about a year ago. But it's useful, because I fill in useful footnotes, that then are DONE.
2. Get through next steps of course planning so I can do book orders. And do this before it becomes TRQ! Began this, will be spending the rest of the afternoon on it.
3. Start thinking about my contribution at the next conference, which is really off in another direction from what I've been working on. Well, I've thought about it!
4. Return to exercise Yes, and I even went for a walk this morning.
5. Go back to not using iPad in bed FAIL.
I think in part because of the stressful parts of the week, and especially returning from a trip, it was hard to focus on everything. So the fact I got almost everything done was outstanding.
Goals for the coming week, which will be meeting heavy:
1. Finish planning courses for spring
2. Start drafting conference thing (it's a round-table, so not really a paper)
3. Pick up the prospectus for the book and finish the GD thing.
3. Keep up exercise
4. Ipad. Should not be in my bed with me.
Nice job with the ILL books (did you have them for a year?) and the exercise.
DeleteI think we've probably discussed this before, but in order to kick the iPad out of bed, could you bring something else in? A book? A magazine? Or maybe you've already tried that . . .
On this first day of November, which is NaNoWriMo, AcWriMo, and DigiWriMo--take your pick--it’s grounding and also consoling to read the comments from the authors sharing a day in their lives. I have tried AcWriMo a few times and failed miserably, so I decided to go NaNoWriMo with its established goal of 50K words, which is 1667 a day. I’m writing creative nonfiction, the previously tagged “tiny project,” so I feel a bit more likely to make bigger word counts than with traditional academic prose.
ReplyDeleteMy spouse is used to my morning writing and accepts it, but that’s journaling. While I was working on today’s 787 words (I’m super happy with that), he asked me three times what I was doing. Writing. Still writing. Always writing. Ignoring you and what you want while I am writing, even though I am surfing the internet and sketching and looking at books and snacking. And it’s all about me. I’m not sure how tolerant he’ll be going forward as I obsess on this project. Feeling compassion all around for those with more significant caregiving responsibilities.
Last weekend, I was trying so hard to say yes to everything I had planned to do that it was late Tuesday but the time these things were done. I decided not post TLQ since I was so late, like a student turning in a paper well past the due date.
Two weeks ago:
1. Finish revisions from grant proposal: yes, submitted.
2. Organize information for presentation: yes.
3. Work 15 minutes on tiny project 3x: yes.
This week:
1. Write for tiny project every day, not worrying about word count.
2. Draft incredibly overdue book review.
3. Listen to/work with guided meditation.
Nice job completing the goals from two weeks ago, and good luck with your ramp up on tiny project this week.
DeleteAnd good luck with Nanowrimo! I'm thinking of doing some kind of AcWrMo (kind of late to the game), but it's a bit more nebulous. Ambitious goals might be good for November though since, otherwise, it could easily slip by.
This will be a quick check-in, since I'm knee-deep in grading (the thing I feel guilty about) and preparing for a conference.
ReplyDeleteLast week's goals:
1) Conference prep (this is sort of TRQ-ish, but if I include looking up possible publication venues for an article based on the presentation, it fits my TLQ goals for the session).
2) keep to a regular sleep schedule
3) walk (let's try at least 2x again)
4) deal with most urgent household/financial matters
5) make & freeze one more pot soup if time
1)not yet (which means it's definitely TRQ by this point)
2) somewhat
3) no
4) mostly
5)no
Analysis: at this point, I mostly just need to get through the conference (and the grading, which I've actually been making some progress in keeping/catching up with, though at the expense of other things) and regroup.
So, goals for the coming week:
1) finish preparations for conference talk
2) make the most of/enjoy the conference
3) get enough sleep along the way to facilitate the above, and return home ready to regroup for the rest of the term
Good luck with the grading, and I hope you enjoy the conference and that the talk goes well. Re-grouping post-conference seems like a good plan (it's something that I usually have to do...).
DeleteI've been cleaning up my daughter's vomit all day (we thought at first it was too much candy, but it appears to be more flu-ish), so a short check in.
ReplyDelete1) nightly check-in (plan the next day, plan food, plan exercise)--mediocre at best
2) stay consistent with exercise (4x) and cleaning the bunny hutch (2x)--yes to the bunnies; I think I hit the exercise goal, but I had a few very laggy days in there.
3) write 3x--ha!
4) 1 hour total decluttering--not exactly decluttering, but I did clean up some
5) make afternoons available for family office hours; do one special activity per kid this week--this did feel like a good kid week.
I had a cold/allergies this week, so I took it easy--probably easier than I needed to. My class is going well. It's not too much work yet, but exams roll in next week and then papers the week after that. This coming week I'll have kids at home for conference days Monday and Tuesday, but I planned some playdates so I can get some work done (I hope). I have a couple evening activities, too, so I need to be especially productive during the days.
Goals for the week:
1) write 2x (I have a critique group deadline coming up)
2) exercise 4x, clean bunny hutch 2x
3) plan out food for the week on Monday, grocery shop
4) declutter office for 1 hour total
5) nightly check-ins
So sorry for the vomit and daughter being sick. I hope the illness was short lived and that she is recovering. I also hope your cold/allergies are lifting.
DeleteWe have parent-teacher conferences this month, too, and on those days, daughter gets out of school an hour early. And there is no school this Friday because of teacher professional development, no school next Wed b/c of Veteran's day, and no school for the week of Thanksgiving. I call it "no school November," which means that it could easily turn into no-work November. Must not let that happen! Good luck with being productive through the play dates. I hope you can get a lot of TLQ accomplished before those exams and papers start rolling in.
Thanks so much for picking up this week, GEW! I'd found some time to work on it, but you got in first and it was a lovely present. I'm happy to report that the chicken pox is all better now, the exhibition is up, and the temporary end is in sight for curriculum redesign (or at least it goes beyond my level after this week), and the marking is slowly decreasing.
ReplyDeleteI think my word is 'should' - guilt isn't quite right, as I generally feel okay with what I have done. It's the ever-present lurking sense that I _should_ be doing more (more quality child interactions, more research, more to improve teaching, more community engagement, more gardening, more housecleaning, more nurturing relationships...). Maybe thinking about 'choose' or 'intention' or 'finite time' instead of 'should' could help - the problem is whenever I'm focused on one of these areas I can see how valid and important it is, and the shoulds start up again...
So from last week:
1. Move like water (thanks, Earnest English), Breathe.
Still breathing, so must have managed it.
2. Do what needs doing when it needs doing, to a good enough standard, no second-guessing.
Yes - which mostly worked well.
3, Find small moments for quiet and embrace them (instead of procrastination activities that just leave me feeling more panicked than before).
Some yeses.
This week is still pretty busy: need to clear marking, some postgrad issues, other commitments and family issues - but no screaming deadlines at least.
1. Get all the planning done for daughter's birthday (actual birthday next week)
2. Paperwork for gym so I can start trial membership next week
3. Brainstorm grant application pitch and send off for feedback.
4. 1000 draft words on co-written conference paper (can build on earlier 15 minute writing sessions)
Yes, "should" is always lurking over me, too. But you know what they say: "Don't should on yourself."
DeleteI like should -- I think that's what hovers over me. For everything.
DeleteSo glad to hear screaming deadlines aren't lurking. Your goals sound both productive and pleasant.
DeleteDespite my joke above, I too feel the weight of "should," but ultimately it's the guilt that gets me. But I do enjoy most of what I do, so focusing on the joy (or even the value, as you suggest) is a good plan.
Yes, definitely "should" is a good word. For me, it leads almost directly to shame.
DeleteI'm honored (I think) to have things I've written coming up in other people's posts!
ReplyDeleteIf asked about the first word that comes to mind when I think about my role as a mother, the first word would definitely be negative like "guilt" or "worry" but I think this is, at least for me, because of the framing of the question. It's not about thinking about the act of mothering, but about "my role as a mother." For me, roles are about duties and obligations, not about feelings, actions, or the motivation behind actions. When I think of "roles," I think of expectations that come from outside myself and have little to do with me as an individual. Trying to live up to different expectations of "roles" is, I think, what makes me tend toward impostor syndrome. Thinking about my "role" is what might get me to do something I really should when I'm really not feeling it (maybe). For me, even though I've chosen the roles of "professor" and "mother," thinking about roles is almost always negative. So the question is not a good one for me. Still, if someone asked me what I thought about when I thought of the action of parenting, I'd probably say something like "conflicted" or "difficult," which is still worrying (though I think that this also might be because I tend to reflect on the bad times and just enjoy the good times, so this indicates where I might change my focus -- if I start thinking more about the good times, maybe I can figure out how to expand them). The act of professing? Well, this last week was a bad one for asking that question because of meetings with bozos that were so awful that I was so happy to be teaching (and not be in meetings) on my teaching days until three students revealed themselves to be bozos in, of course, very different ways from the meeting bozos.
Reading those writing schedules did make me long to live the life of a writer, but even more so it made me envious of those who send their kids to school! (We homeschool, which in many ways is wonderful for the entire family -- we all learn together at a pace that suits us! -- but certainly I'd have a lot more unconflicted work and writing time if Kid went off to school every day.) This quarter is just terrible, and I'm really struggling, but for my own sanity it would help if I wrote and read a bit more on my project, even in tiny little sips.
Last Week's Goals
ReplyDelete-The big thing I have to do this week is not get totally backed up with big grading. I'm getting 20 portfolios on Tuesday, so I need to be really big and adult about this and get four done on each day I don't teach. If I get five done on each day I don't teach, then I can have one day off from grading over the weekend. I really need to do this. I have such a problem getting papers back. This is not TLQ, but it's absolutely my goal this week.: okay, for the entire week I graded one portfolio. There were many mitigating factors, such as that I was on campus all week, often in really annoying meetings. Then there was Halloween on one weekend day and health-related issues on the other day. I've decided not to beat myself up about this. This is what sucks about this quarter: my health is really on the edge because of the stress of my teaching schedule. I have to be careful to not push too hard or I'll get sick and the whole thing will fall apart.
-continue taking magnesium: Yes
-make sure to eat decent food in addition to the leftover cupcakes!!!: Yes. We even bought and made salad last night.
-exercise: ha ha. I think I did this once. I realized that many nights, I'm working rather than watching shows. I also started watching Witches of East End on Halloween. I needed a new show, so this is great.
-get decent sleep: Mostly.
-don't take on anything else until you catch up on service: figure out who to delegate things to!: I got caught up on one service obligation and am mostly caught up with another one and totally prepared to hand off the hard part this week.
-nothing is worth killing yourself over. move like water.: Epic fail this week. I was involved in two difficult and troubling meetings this week that completely angered and stressed me out. There was another thing that totally angered me (someone arguing one point to me then going 180 and arguing something much more akin to what I'm arguing back in another context: so this person doesn't recognize the value of X when arguing about the goals of This Class, but when arguing for This Other Thing, this person argues for the value of X -- OH this pisses me off). And I got up in arms about all three situations both in the moment and afterward, which has nothing to do with moving like water. I've decided this week that I need help learning how to de-stress and so I'm getting a book on cognitive-behavioral approaches to this to help me cope. (This week reminded me of that wonderful 1980s definition of stress as the overwhelming urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. I am this close to including that I did not kill anyone as a major service accomplishment on my annual report.)
Analysis
Uh, it's difficult to make myself do anything, especially push past my feelings and exhaustion, when the expectations are unreasonable. I did steal from my sleep to get some things done this last week, and I did not like that. I have to manage my feelings and physical exhaustion about all this or I'm going to have problems.
This Upcoming Week
ReplyDelete-order book on destressing and relaxation
-have some down time every day
-make sure I get enough sleep and take good care of my health (am going to the doctor today, so I'm working on this!)
-get to grading asap, but in a reasonable and not totally-stressed out way
-work a bit on Tiny Article due in Two Weeks in small bits (it would be great if I could sit down and schedule this, but I don't know about that)
-pick a book related to Big Project to be my go-to book so I can feel productive instead of spending my time looking for a book and then reading something I really don't need to read (like a magazine) that doesn't get me anywhere (in terms of feeling productive)
-try to remember that it won't always be like this
-remember that nothing is worth killing myself over, especially bozo colleagues with antediluvian ideas that are unjust. move like water.
Getting a technique to deal with annoying colleagues who generate high stress (and everyone has at least one) is really important. I've started looking at the things that get me excited, and I say, OK, this is massively f***ed up, but what can I do that is constructive? How can I respond. Once I figure out something I can do that makes me feel as if I've been constructive, then I can let go of what I described in a memo to my colleagues as "incandescent rage" that sweeps over me.
DeleteSo sorry about the bozos, but congrats on getting caught up some service despite all that. I hope the grading goes well and at a reasonable pace.
DeleteI think I feel more like Susan, and sometimes get borne down by the weight of responsibility and obligation. And then get angry about it all from time to time, when that responsibility isn't shared by my siblings, for example. Sometimes it is guilt, when I realise I am paying very little attention to those around me, because I am tuning out to distress even though I am present. Anyway, I am trying to be more present, and tune out guilt.
ReplyDeleteLast weeks goals
1. Exercise 4x - YES, although a couple of times were fairly minimal walks
2. Finish data entry - HALF
3. Finish CR draft without input from collaborator - ALMOST
This weeks goals:
1. Finish data entry
2. Draw some graphs related to project ppw
3. Finish the CR draft, which I now feel much more motivated about because I can see an end to it.
Oh, yes, anger. I forgot about anger. And that reminds me that, at work, when email messages start flooding in with "Oh I need this tomorrow" type service things, I feel resentful.
DeleteYES, HALF, and ALMOST sounds like a pretty good week!
I got so caught up in reading all of your comments that I forgot to do my own check-in.
ReplyDeleteWell, as I said, I feel a lot of guilt. And I don't think my guilt comes too much from societal expectations of my roles (well, maybe a little bit), but more from the fact that my daughter is very verbal about how much she misses me when I'm working. Last night, she complained about the fact that it's Daddy (not me) who gets up with her on Tuesday mornings. This morning (when I did in fact get up early to spend time with her), she complained that I would be working this evening. Then we were talking about her school camping trip in February, and she begged me to be a chaperone, which would require me to cancel classes on at least one day and also miss a whole weekend of time to grade or do TLQ. She is darling and the biggest snuggle bunny in the world, but it's hard not to feel guilty. So I try to do my best as a mom, and then I try to feel okay about the fact that I get a little extra sleep Tuesday mornings, and that I will get extra work done this evening, and that she will have a fun "Daddy night" without me.
Oh how I want to be on sabbatical forever. I really do.
Last week's goals:
1) Nightly check-in to plan exercise and work.--->NO. Not once.
2) Complete half of revisions for Chapter 1 based on friendly-reader feedback.---> ALL OF IT! I did all of it and send it off to supervisor.
3) Exercise 4x (2x swimming).--->YES. I even swam 3x.
4) Spend 1 hour per day reading primary sources.--->Hmmm. I don't think I did this.
5) Spend at least 3 hours writing proper text for Chapter 2--NOPE.
6) Take Tuesday off to swim, have a nice lunch with husband (if he's free), visit the bookstore, and maybe catch a matinee (or maybe just read) before dinner with family. #heaven--->YES, and it was lovely.
7) Call to arrange a room/studio for writing retreat (I'm rethinking the camping plan)--->YES! Thank you, Amstr! :)
Analysis: I can feel the sabbatical time running out, especially what with upcoming holidays and the general "no-school November" things for the kids. I have been approaching the thesis pretty leisurely--not working after the kids are in bed, etc.--but it might be time to step things up. I can't let the next six weeks slip by without being extremely productive. I'm way behind on my chapter revision schedule.
This is ambitious list of goals, considering that I'll have extra kid time this week, but I'm gonna go for it.
This week's goals:
1) Outline new theory/history chapter that I think I'll need for the thesis, and draft at least 1000 words.
2) Read 7-10 secondary articles, chapter.
3) Read primary sources for 4 hours.
4) Mine my Moleskin notebook (at least 30 pages of it) for material to insert into chapter.
5) Night check-in, keep up with exercise
6) find checks or call bank
How do I feel about my TLQ? Joy, when it's MINE. There's a satisfaction in using your talents, you know? But a lot of guilt and should around the obligations it comes tangled in, to collaborators, to all the external measures of whether it has merit other than does it advance science, to the people who pay my wages. And for being a bad friend or daughter or whatever, though in many ways that's more about being me than about this TLQ - there'd always be something that took me away from other people, that's how I'm made, as an intravert, my energy comes from being away from people. Maybe intraversion just comes along with a certain amount of guilt for not being what other people need, just as to a thoughtful extravert there must be a concern around being needier than others...
ReplyDeletelast week's goals:
1) self-care first: meh. ish. Not been in the mood
2) get ready for NaNoWriMo! well it's started, and I have a few preparatory notes and ideas. So this is kind of a yes
3) Have one solid attempt at the grant again, see if I can find a different hook for the project, and rework the budget (again) nope, got distracted by other stuff like going into work to try & teach in silence, and stressing about NOT being at work
4) Finish some refereeing yes. Took ages because the paper was dire and I feel extra burdened to write with particular care and charity and specificity when I recommend reject
5) spend one hour on some TLQ writing which is not Repeater or the grant - there are several options, just pick the one I fancy.nope, unless NaNo counts!
analysis: I've struggled with being sort-of sick this week - I've had a heavy cold and lost my voice, the latter meaning I can't go to work, the former meaning I feel ill enough to be sorry for myself but not ill enough to feel like I legitimately can't possibly do anything - and the obligations and guilt I feel about being sick AGAIN, and some interactions with people at work which eat away at my energy and time. I've let my sleeping get out of sync, let exercise slip (it makes me cough, so...), spent too much time idling around avoiding things, generally been rather feeble and annoyed myself. Also, I HAVE finally finished all the back and forth of Repeater, and it is resubmitted today. Phew!
I went to my GP yesterday, and he issued me with a sick note, so work have decided I should just not come in (which is it's own sort of saga. I should probably have asked for a 'light duties' sort of sick note which would have let me cover some stuff and not other with a good grace, but I saw the Doc early in the morning and felt quite grim, as usual, and just so tired of the effort of trying to be professional, and I can't talk so it's quite a strain to try & have the relevant discussion, and so - sick note. Off. Cancel everything (in theory someone else will cancel everything but I expect it'll be me doing it eventually. Like tomorrow. Because so far today I've had emails along the "well I can't decide someone else needs to decide" sort of lines). But a sick academic who isn't like deathly sick isn't like other workers, and some TLQ - and obligation-work too - will get done, because it wants doing, because... because there are grant deadlines and you don't get a sick note from them, for a start. So.
Deletegoals:
1) self-care
2) grant application
3) Get ahead on NaNoWriMo
4) teaching prep for 2 weeks' time
5) half an hour of domestic environment self-care a day
1): because if I'm off sick then I should look after myself, right? Maybe I need a star chart...
2) because deadlines are immovable, and I'm behind on the central schedule, but can still make it if I get on with it tomorrow, I think. And I'm really sick of myself being a person who gets sick and who doesn't submit grants - I can DO something about the latter, so I WILL.
3) because I need the escapism
4) because my voice WILL come back (it is very slightly better today...)
5) because my house is a tip and that is both unhealthy and depressing, plus reorganising stuff is therapeutic.
I have decided that for the remainder of the quarter my focus will be on getting at least 8-8.5 hours of sleep at night. I have not been getting good rest and it's affecting my ability to get the stuff done that I need to. I'm finally caught up on all of my stuff for the quarter (which includes, perhaps sadly, just being "good enough" with the grad class--I was hoping for "great" or "excellent" with this class, but I've had to let that go at this point). And while I'm trying to move beyond just "survival mode" for the quarter, if survival mode is where I stay for the next three weeks, then so be it. And until this article is done, 20 minutes of writing a day toward it (revising or new words). Meditate at least 10 minutes a day. And really just make it through the home stretch without falling apart.
ReplyDeleteOh, late again checking in. I have been quite busy the last couple weeks and seem to be taking on more--another tutoring job (money is money) and babysitting my friend's octogenarian mother over the weekend.
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for taking the time to post these websites. Guarding my time is something that I have struggled with the older that I get. In the last three years, I have come to understand that even though I am a single woman, I also have problems with giving too much of myself and feeling guilty if I don't. For over twenty years, I have repeatedly heard how selfish I was because I was not married and procreating, and even that I had all kinds of free time because I had no one. However, I have always worked 60+ hours a week and often a full time and two part-time jobs. In the last three years, I've come to realize that none of that is really true and that I should not feel guilty of the fact that I am working hard at something that I am passionate about. It was during the last years that colleagues shamed me about being selfish about my work time. I think it took that for me to see that I shouldn't been my self up about my writing. It's still a struggle, and I admire women like YS Lee who are pretty comfortable and confident with how they guard their time.
Last week's goals:
1) clean house today--it is a definite must do
2) cook for week--another must do because I work late every night
3) Write 5 days of lecture on Ancient Greece
4) Write 5 days of lecture on Absolute/Constitutional Monarchy
5) Spend 1 hour on behemoth--aiming for 3 days
Analysis:
1) House not cleaned--I forgot that I was not going to be home TO clean it!
2) Cooking--pretty much ditto. However, I did cook for my "mom" and ate leftovers for two days. That is a positive.
3) and 4) Write lectures for both classes--Yes. That will always be a given since I have to do it. Kids wait for no one.
5) Spend an hour on Behemoth--no. I have been mulling things over in my head, which is more than I have been doing. So I am taking this as a positive.
Since I am so late signing in, these are shortened goals
Goals for the week:
1) Grade four major assignments--I am way behind
2) Clean house--I am home so I can do it
3) Put my ideas on paper for Behemoth