the grid

the grid

Saturday 10 June 2017

Week 4: What Makes You Feel Powerful?

Today, I'm going with my family to see Wonder Woman. I haven't read many reviews, but I've seen hints of controversy on twitter between those who find the movie empowering and those who are annoyed (or worse) by suggestions that the movie is "feminist." Either way, this has gotten me thinking about times I have felt powerful. And I'm realizing that some of those times involve things that are repeatable (or that can even be habits) that I'm not doing but that I could be doing. For example, I think the most physically powerful I've ever felt (or maybe confident is a better word?) was when I was surfing regularly. I felt amazing both during and after, yet I haven't gone surfing in years. I'm not sure that's exactly what I need to do, but I know other forms of physical activity could make me feel more confident. I'm sure I can think of work/research-related things, too . . .

So, for this week, what accomplishments, life moments, or behaviors have made you feel powerful or confident? Is there a way to introduce more of that into your TLQ?


Contingent Cassandra
--get pool pass
--lift weights 1x
--work in garden 1x
--pinpoint some potential days off in the June/July calendar, and plan to protect them

DEH
House:
*Keep packing.
*Keep weeding and mulching.
*Make calls about estimates for repairs.
*Look into other help with garden and/or house.

Work:
*Finish setting up Blackboard for summer course.
*Review one chunk of translation.
*Write 1000 words or spend two hours taking notes etc.

GEW
1) More b-day planning since daughter's actual b-day is Thursday (when we'll have the family dinner/celebration). I think the goal is to prepare without letting it consume my week. She had her big weekend, so things can be low-key now.
2) Write for 10 minutes, 5x. One of the sessions should be a creative writing exercise. Another should be about an academic point of interest.
3) Read two articles by a scholars with good style. 
4) Swim once + one yoga class (minimum).
5) Clear out office cabinet to make way for it to be exchanged with bookshelves.
6) Visit mom for a couple of hours. (She is walking with a cane, now!)

Elizabeth Anne Mitchell
Walk a half-hour a day or more.
Write five sentences daily.
Journal daily.

heu mihi
1. Revise Norway (because that's coming up real soon)
2. Work on ACLA: Research time.
3. Reread/revise tenure statement
4. To-do list for ch. 5.
5. Get through first 15 pages of ch. 5.

humming42
1 write 5x
2 read 5x
3 finish book review
4 write outline for workshop

JaneB
1) ProblemChild Part2 paper1 draft (which is at least Real Writing Towards A Publication)
2) GrantINeverShouldHaveStarted should at least have an hour, even if that is split into bits
3) Gat at least half the externalling done (or it will be TRQ next week)
4) be kind to myself, and don't spend my whole not in the office day either in front of the computer or lying around reading trash fiction and eating crisps (Sooooo tempting, but I know I feel more rested the following day if I go for a walk and cook something healthy)

KJHaxton
(1) finish the marking by 5pm Sunday
(2) keep house tidy and organised
(3) submit conference abstract and paper proposal.

Matilda
1) Revise the outline of Chapter 2.
2) Work on material 1 for Chapter 2.
3) Meet with my mentor on Chapter 1 with good preparation.
4) Find more ‘my own 15 minutes’ in a day.
5) Make it habit to do 5-minute exercise several times a day.

Susan
Assessment report
Library list
Last set of book orders
Read Violence paper
Walk
Read for fun/ do things for fun

Waffles
1. If possible, resubmit relat paper (may not be possible due to collaborators’ turnaround times).
2. Get a good draft of RSA presentation done (possibly except for results)
3. Work on aging paper R&R
4. Pubmed search for scoping review













46 comments:

  1. I liked Wonder Woman - I'm not a superhero fan (with some exceptions - like I like Jessica Jones quite a bit), but I liked (not loved) WW. But, I left the theater (I saw it on a friday afternoon when I was so frustrated with an R&R I desperately needed to shift my mood), and decided to walk home. As I walked home - I absolutely felt powerful. I felt as though I could defend myself with my invisible wrist cuffs against anything that came my way. I read on twitter that someone said that if that is how white men feel all the time when they leave superhero movies, no wonder they occupy the position in the US they do! :)

    I feel pretty powerful on a more mundane basis when I feel good about myself. When I gave a presentation at a national conference a month or so ago, I had an internal sense that I had done a good job and connected well with my material and my audience. And I felt quite powerful after that. I did an expert panel this week for a research study, and I knew my stuff - and I felt confident and powerful after that.

    As an aside, I learned this week that my NIH fellowship has been funded. That also makes me feel pretty validated - and powerful. This means 3 years of funding - which is awesome. I also started at my new university in NYC this week. I don’t move till august or so - but they picked up half my salary - so I feel very fancy because I get business cards and a fancy email address!

    LAST WEEK’S GOALS.
    1. If possible, resubmit relat paper (may not be possible due to collaborators’ turnaround times). PRETTY MUCH DONE (IT WILL HAPPEN TODAY)
    2. Get a good draft of RSA presentation done (possibly except for results). DONE - BUT NEED TO WRITE WHAT I WILL SAY EXACTLY INTO THE NOTES.
    3. Work on aging paper R&R. DONE AND SENT TO MENTOR
    4. Pubmed search for scoping review. DONE

    THIS WEEK’S GOALS.
    1. Write out my RSA presentation script into ppt notes and run analyses
    2. Review methods paper and send to first author
    3. Run other searches for scoping review
    4. Figure out methodology for OTHER scoping review (ugh)
    5. Methods for PTSD paper
    6. Do online trainings for new university
    7. Resubmit aging paper

    I’ve worked from home since Tuesday (my last day at the 50% of my position that actually gave me an office, so I don’t really need to work on campus except on days I have meetings) - and I’m developing a good routine, which I’m glad for. I’m glad to not have to do my commute - although I miss seeing my work friends (but we have plans to hang this summer). I really really like the flexibility of being able to go grocery shopping in the middle of the day - I like that I can take a walk if I need to think or move. It’ll be hard to go back to working on a campus in the fall again! But, already my new department is doing things for me my current university didn't do (things that make me feel like an actual member of a department) - or that I had to beg and beg and beg for (like being put on listservs!). I'm hoping that helps me feel more a part of things and I am hoping will contribute to my professional development.

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    1. Yay, it really sounds like things are looking up for you! Congratulations on the fellowship confirmation, and the signs of a better department!

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    2. Fantastic news! Congratulations!

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    3. What a great week! Nice job on the goals, and congrats on the funding and the professional treatment from the new department! I hope you are feeling very powerful and confident.

      And I'm glad to hear you have a good routine as you work at home. One of my favorite things about sabbatical was being at home during the day when everyone else was gone. That doesn't happen to me very often. I lived alone for 12 years before I got married, and I LOVE having the house to myself! And the flexibility is awesome. Mid-morning trip to Trader Joe's on a Wednesday? Perfect.

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    4. Congratulations! It sounds like your new department is shaping up to be a good home.

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    5. Thank you all! I'm so worried about the move, but everything else is falling into place so very nicely!

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  2. Very little makes me feel strong these days. Interesting, something to think about... I like when I can actually help people, when I know something they need and manage to usefully convey it, when I am sought out as an expert, that feels good, but not specifically strong. I mostly feel flabby, and itchy, and somewhere between frustrated and incompetent, in almost all arenas. So an interesting topic to think about... I will come back later in the week and try to be more positive!

    last week's goals:
    1) ProblemChild Part2 paper1 draft (which is at least Real Writing Towards A Publication) DONE!
    2) GrantINeverShouldHaveStarted should at least have an hour, even if that is split into bits nope, but I did finish and submit a complicated and fiddly travel grant (it's for bilateral exchange with another university)
    3) Get at least half the externalling done (or it will be TRQ next week) yes!
    4) be kind to myself, and don't spend my whole not in the office day either in front of the computer or lying around reading trash fiction and eating crisps (Sooooo tempting, but I know I feel more rested the following day if I go for a walk and cook something healthy) mixed. Did leave the house, did not eat too many crisps but didn't eat that healthy, and drank too many sugary isotonic drinks - excuse = nasty headache, but I know really that was mostly muscular-skeletal, and proved it by the drinks having no effect on it, but still repeated it. Also found half a tub of ice cream all nasty and refrozen in the back of the freezer, and ate it anyway. :-(

    the coming week:
    This week is quite busy as I have to finish the external-examining*, I have my own department's exam meetings to attend, and I'm hosting a meeting of a regional seminar group, along with many small niggly things.
    1) polish up my SCConference talk for the regional workshop
    2) Spend some time on GrantINeverShouldHaveStarted (say 2 hours)
    3) rough outline both of the ProblemChild paper 2's.
    4) stay away from sugar!


    *this is I think a UK thing - every degree programme has one or two external examiners, who are mid-rank or senior academics from a different UK university appointed for a fixed term (usually 3 years). EEs are quality controllers - their primary role is to confirm the marking standards of the degrees they oversee, by reading over a sample of work from as many modules as possible, by confirming that the assignments are at the right level, that the grading is fair, and that the standards for the main boundaries (fail/pass etc.) are comparable with other universities, and to attend formal meetings where degree classifications are decided. They also look over and approve examination questions, advise on changes to modules etc. It's an honour to be asked - but means more marking just at the time when you really don't want to ever mark another thing...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Possibly should have noticed that the General Election nastiness (and "terror attacks") in the UK last week may have had something to do with the sugar /bread consumption problems, but I literally only just realised it now. DUH! Well, at least this week we have an idea how bad things will be (snippets from the papers include a possible coalition government with the DUP which will probably destabilise the northern Irish peace agreement, someone who wanted climate change removed from the school curriculum as minister for the environment, and other "let's see if we can mimic the USA!" actions)

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    2. Yeah, the news is all "hold my drink" these days (am referring to #3, here: http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/11/09/trump-presidency-19-tweets/ )
      Gah.

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    3. It's interesting that you mention helping people. That was certainly a focus in Wonder Woman. Granted, all superheroes help people, but this movie dealt with more real human suffering than, say, the Marvel movies, and helping people was certainly Wonder Woman's m.o.

      Nice job on the work/research goals! As for the ice cream, well, there is always next week! Onward.

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    4. Politics etc in the UK (and USA) currently defy belief. I can no longer tell reality from satire.

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  3. If I've ever felt powerful, it was so long ago that it was in a different life and happened to someone else. I am, or try to be, sensitive to the power differential between me and students, so that I don't unthinkingly say things that can only be said between equals, but that often just makes me awkward. When I get diet and sleep just right and I feel really well, physically, then I also feel vastly more confident and able than I normally do, but a lot of the time I'm too tired to access that feeling. That's the nature of chronic ailments.

    How I did:
    House:
    *Keep packing. YES . . . only a few boxes, though.
    *Keep weeding and mulching. YES . . . but not very much.
    *Make calls about estimates for repairs. YES . . . more to come.
    *Look into other help with garden and/or house. YES . . . made a start, anyway, but no results yet.

    Work:
    *Finish setting up Blackboard for summer course. YES (more things to add, but it's open to students).
    *Review one chunk of translation. NO. Not even close.
    *Write 1000 words or spend two hours taking notes etc. NO: about 350 words. Better than nothing; not as much as last week.

    Work is really taking a back seat to house stuff, and house stuff is an energy suck because I hate phone calls and am sick of throwing money at this house and because packing triggers all sorts of memories not to mention requiring too many decisions. So I also spend a lot of time procrastinating unproductively or trying to self-soothe. We still haven't got the market analysis due to clashing schedules, and I am struggling to believe we'll really manage to get the house sold this summer.

    New goals:
    House:
    Keep packing.
    Keep working on the garden.
    Do necessary TRQ stuff like pay bills.
    Keep on with the process of getting estimates and scheduling stuff that needs to be done to the house.

    Work:
    Do a bit more about the summer course.
    Do some research: 2-3 hours. Try changing venues.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With all of the house stuff, I'm impressed that you even wrote 350 words. I haven't gotten much house stuff done, and I'm still not getting any writing done either.

      And I totally get you about the decision fatigue. While I'm not moving a whole house, emptying our spare room for my son (and general purging) has me nearly paralyzed. How can I empty the room when we have nowhere else to put the stuff? I must get rid of SO much. Lots of tough decisions ahead.

      A change of venues for work might be good. Where do you usually try to work? I wouldn't never have finished the PhD without local coffee shops.

      Fingers crossed for your house stuff so that you CAN move forward.

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    2. I make more progress when I give in and don't try to do things "right" but do them in a way that makes sense to me. I finally managed to start making progress with my study by getting three different-shaped boxes, one for "need, keep available," one for "pack" and one for "give away." Then I clear a surface by putting each object in the right box. When the "pack" box is full I will empty it, sorting things so I can pack like with like. My husband just wants to clear surfaces, so he's okay with shuffling the lot into a single box and sorting it out later, but I can't stand that. Even if I'm not purging, I want things categorized in some way other than "stuff that was on my desk," e.g. electronics, office supplies, and souvenir items. For some reason, though, I can't take things off the desk/shelf and put them immediately into those categories.

      Can you rent a storage space or borrow a corner of a friend's garage? Taking things in stages helps. It's easier to purge when you realize you've lived happily without X and Y for Z months. One of the things that paralyzes me is the fear that I'll want something as soon as it's gone. For years I've had a give-away heap, which I get out of the house once a year or so, when I decide that no, I really haven't missed those things (or conversely, have retrieved the things I did miss).

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    3. I can spend forever getting ready to do things right, or I can do things in a way that works for me. One of the great things about living alone is that I can do house things in ways that suit me, even if they appear to involve more steps or take longer or involve "starting in the middle" without criticism or stress from someone directly affected by it. I was raised by a stereotypical chartered mechanical engineer - so many of my ways of doing things seem to cause my Dad actual physical pain...

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  4. This is a great prompt on feeling powerful. I realized that feeling physically powerful has enabled me to feel powerful in other ways, and it’s been a long time since I have felt physically powerful. Now would be a good time to invest some energy there. I thought of a particular yoga posture (that I don’t know the name of) that is empowering in a way that I would like to experience, if even briefly.

    I am headed home in the morning, so after two weeks away it could be a good time to try to integrate a new habit. Here’s hoping...adding yoga to my list below.

    Last week:
    1 write 5x: 5x
    2 read 5x: 7x but also some fiction
    3 finish book review: yes
    4 write outline for workshop: a bit

    This week:
    1 write 5x
    2 read 5x
    3 finish outline for workshop
    4 yoga, even if just 1x

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    Replies
    1. Even an easy yoga class (or really even a home session) makes me feel more powerful just because I feel easier (and taller?) in my body afterwards. My feet are well planted and my hips aren't stiff.

      Happy homecoming!

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  5. Hello, all,

    Topic:
    I am not sure I could feel powerful, but when my research goes well, when I am able to make a good plan and when the weather is fine on the starting day of the plan, I feel probably somewhat powerful and feel I can do lots of things. It is funny but my mood certainly goes better when it is fine in the morning, or when I have a good, blank notebook on which I can work anyway as I like.

    Goals for this week:
    1) Revise the outline of Chapter 2.- Started, but still on the way.
    2) Work on material 1 for Chapter 2.- Again, started but still on the way.
    3) Meet with my mentor on Chapter 1 with good preparation.- Well, I had tried to prepare well, but I should have worked more. The meeting itself was very fruitful, though in that I understood how I would need to work more. But it is important to know it.
    4) Find more ‘my own 15 minutes’ in a day. - Probably done. I read books even when my children are around. They are getting older and I don’t have to keep an eye on them all the time. I realised I could do more than I thought.
    5) Make it habit to do 5-minute exercise several times a day. - Not so regularly, but do some stretch or move my arms or legs, when, for example, brushing my teeth (like JaneB), or waiting for the kettle whistling.

    Analysis:
    I am not sure I have found the way to revise my chapter1, and still I am thinking of the plan of my chapter2. Hesitating, sometime procrastinating, because once I start, I know I will be overwhelmed the amount of the work I need to do, and considering, wondering what I could do - and time runs. Good thing is that I can exercise every day, though not long but short 3 mins and 5 mins work-outs, and I think I am being able to find more ‘my own 15 minutes’ during the day.

    Goals for next week:
    1) Finish the important book.
    2) Revise Chapter 1
    3) Revise the outline of Chapter 2
    4) Work on the main material on Chapter 2
    5) Make it a habit to do 5- minute-exercises several times a day
    6) Find more ‘my own 15 minutes’

    Have a wonderful week, everyone,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you made some progress even though there is (always) more to do. Also glad to hear the meeting with the mentor was fruitful. Do you plan to finish revising chapter one before you start chapter two?

      And it's certainly freeing to realize one can get reading done even with the children around. Although one does have to be prepared for interruptions. Good luck thinking through Chapter 1 revisions and good luck finding those 15 minutes!

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    2. Thank you for the comments! My chapters are so closely connected, so I thought I need to work on both, but as you suggested, I think it is better to focus on chapter 1 and work on chapter 2 occasionaly. I need to balance.

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    3. Great that you are making progress and finding little pieces of time!

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  6. When have I felt powerful? Good question. While I'm running or engaged in some other moderately strenuous activity, for sure. And while I was in the middle of writing both of my two (unpublished) novels: Being immersed in my own world, and *making* that world, was magnificent.

    Lately, I feel powerful when I'm moving forward with my work, too. I'm at a good place with the manuscript: the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. So much better than last year.

    Last week's goals:
    1. Revise Norway (because that's coming up real soon) - DONE (not finished, but close)
    2. Work on ACLA: Research time. - DONE (not finished, but close)
    3. Reread/revise tenure statement - DONE (sketchily)
    4. To-do list for ch. 5. DONE
    5. Get through first 15 pages of ch. 5. NOT STARTED

    Next week:
    1. Totally finish and print ACLA and Norway; print and organize all travel materials.
    2. Totally finish and upload tenure statement and all research-related stuff.
    3. First round of revisions to ch. 5
    4. Read and incorporate last essay for ch. 3.
    5. Survive Saturday's birthday party.

    1 and 2 absolutely have to get done before I leave town on the 19th, so this is a mostly non-negotiable list. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I usually feel pretty weak when I'm actually engaged in strenuous activity, but I do feel pretty good afterwards. Surfing was the exception.

      Good luck at the birthday party. Maybe you should sneak off into a corner every hour to do your power yoga pose.

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    2. I feel pretty good when I complete a writing task that's 'just for me'. I also like the creating a world bit.

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    3. Mmmm, yeah, I do love fiction writing! Not sure I feel "powerful" or "confident", but the flow state when I am being and doing without the need or desire to label it, without any awareness of an external observing self noticing that I am powerful or whatever, is really really enjoyable.

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  8. Well, as I said in the original post, the most powerful and confident I’ve ever felt was when I was surfing. Being in the ocean like that is amazing, and it strips away all of one’s troubles (in part because one really has to stay in the moment). After a surf session, I would feel tired, strong, and happy. But if I’m not doing it regularly, I lose the upper body strength to do it at all, and it’s so time consuming that this means I don’t do it anymore. Maybe someday . . .

    I know that I also feel powerful (or confident) after swimming or yoga (maybe especially yoga?), yet last weekend I still lounged around in the mornings instead of going to the gym. But sometimes I guess I need the restorative power of reading and relaxing more than anything else. Regardless, I think swimming and yoga are good pathways to confidence right now.

    I have felt powerful and confident after doing service work that is important to the college (of course, most service work isn’t like that, but some has been). I felt pretty confident during my PhD viva (defense), but then imposter syndrome set in pretty quickly.

    It’s interesting what heu mihi said about her novel writing because I’m thinking of focusing more on fiction . . .

    Last week:
    1) More b-day planning since daughter's actual b-day is Thursday (when we'll have the family dinner/celebration). I think the goal is to prepare without letting it consume my week. She had her big weekend, so things can be low-key now. MEH. It consumed me.
    2) Write for 10 minutes, 5x. One of the sessions should be a creative writing exercise. Another should be about an academic point of interest. NOPE.
    3) Read two articles by scholars with good style. NOPE.
    4) Swim once + one yoga class (minimum). YES for swimming. NO for yoga.
    5) Clear out office cabinet to make way for it to be exchanged with bookshelves. DONE.
    6) Visit mom for a couple of hours. (She is walking with a cane, now!). SORT OF. We hung out to celebrate my daughter’s b-day..

    Analysis:
    I let my daughter’s b-day consume me. There were also some of end-of-the-school-year activities to be dealt with.

    This week:
    1) Make major progress on the study. Empty desk drawers. Put daybed/trundle online for sale. Take books to office.
    2) Swim 2x. Yoga 1x.
    3) Write 3x, 15 minutes each.
    4) Read two short stories (along with other reading).
    5) Visit mom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess I feel similar walking to how you describe surfing. The feeling of doing a decently long hike and being tired yet satisfied...it's nice.

      Just remember with imposter syndrome: if you're clever/good enough to deceive all those people into believing you can do something, you're clever/good enough to have done it in the first place, and with substantially less effort than maintaining a deception would be.

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    2. KJHaxton, I do love walking. My walks are usually somewhat leisure though (other than occasional moments of intense dog wrangling), so I tend to feel more grateful and pleased than powerful. When I'm hiking, I do feel great afterwards, but when I'm huffing and puffing up the hill, I feel pretty weak. It's all good stuff though.

      I have never hear imposter syndrome addressed that way. I like it.

      (And why does my autocorrect think that "imposter" is spelled "impostor"?)

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    3. that's a very useful framing for imposter syndrome, thank you!

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  9. Powerful...hmmm...not so much. I guess being sick strips that away pretty quickly. And being the kind of sick that makes one seriously question everything probably means there's a need to find new ways of feeling powerful. I don't see feeling powerful as related to having power over others though, more powerful as in belief in one's own ability to achieve a goal or as a result of having achieved a goal. (was the 'own' redundant in that sentence?).

    Last week: (1) finish the marking by 5pm Sunday
    (2) keep house tidy and organised
    (3) submit conference abstract and paper proposal.

    I've got one lot of marking left to do, had to leave two sets of exam papers last week as my parents were coming to visit and I had other stuff to do. Hopefully those papers will appear today so I can be shot of the marking. The house remained tidy.
    I submitted the conference abstract, went for an oral presentation in the end instead of a poster. Not sure that was wise but we'll see. I wrote the paper proposal, got feedback on it, and then didn't submit it. Just before I submitted it, I looked again at the call for papers and did a whole thing about whether the topic was appropriate. By the first sentence of the call it was spot on. But looking at the elaboration, it didn't fit. I then over thought it significantly about whether this was the right journal for the work, and whether another paper was better, and then co-authors on another paper caused a bit of upset, and then I decided I needed a bit of time to rethink my strategy. I had been relying on the co-author paper (I don't think it ever got a name) as a soft target for submission (it was revise and resubmit and I put in significant effort over Easter to do more analysis to get it over the hurdle). I though that having multiple authors would mean it was more likely to get there, but (and as a middle author) it now seems to have been retargeted in a way that makes me think my significant effort was pointless and I'm now deeply regretting the time I spent on it. For added benefit, the time spent on this paper over Easter time was the reason I didn't get something else done as fast as someone would have liked and following a not very nice email, is the reason I find myself on sick leave marking for 'free' rather than working from home as previously. Well that's more of a ramble than I intended it to be but suffice to say, article writing and submission is a sore spot at the moment (as is the issue of undertaking any kind of work while on sick leave).

    This week:
    (1) make progress on the printing project.
    (2) finish the marking
    (3) make a cake
    (4) make progress on knitting project
    (5) do something with one of my single author papers

    ReplyDelete
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    1. KJHaxton, Yes, I was definitely not thinking of power over others. I think that's why I shifted to the word "confidence" mid-post. Or maybe I should have used the word "strong" rather than "powerful"?

      I'm sorry you might have wasted time on a project. That's never good, but especially not during sick leave. I hope surgery recovery is going well.

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    2. Aargh, NO ONE should have to work if they're on sick leave. Apart from their OWN rights, it increases the pressure on other people to work when they are sick, which is just horrible (I find it far easier to resist the unreasonable if it's on behalf of imagined others rather than just on my own behalf). How utterly frustrating!

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    3. I've been thinking about this a lot in the last week, particularly the 'my actions and choices exert pressure on others in similar situations who may wish to act differently' bit. I guess I'm on sick leave rather than working reduced hours from home primarily because it's the only way to opt out of stressful activities/issues, interact with any work related things on my own terms and at a pace that I am comfortable with, and generally just get better. I couldn't see another way to pick and choose the activities I engaged with.
      Some of the marking was so that my husband wouldn't have to do it - we co-teach a module and he's done all the face-to-face contact while I've prepped all the lectures for him (while working at home) and done the admin and marking. I didn't see any benefit in him coming home from work and sitting down with his laptop to carry on marking...I wanted his attention! And someone to do the tasks I couldn't do, and make me dinner, and go for walks and that sort of stuff. Some choice, isn't it? And I'm aware of the privilege in having someone to come home and take care of me.

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    4. I didn't mean that as a personal criticism, more as a frustration with the system (and a reaction to a local situation too where someone who is currently signed off loves being a martyr, which has lead to my manager having a really unfair view of sick leave which continually comes back on me when I'm sick).

      I think we all make the best choices we can in a bad situation - most university managers are rubbish, and the zone between so sick you cannot do anything and well enough to do everything brings out the worst in them.

      But heck, look at us - we academics are our own worst enemies. We WANT TO WORK even when we're sick, or feel we OUGHT to work, or HAVE to work, and it's a really crappy, crappy situation.

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    5. I didn't take it personally :) but it was/is bothering me. I couldn't quite articulate it but in your middle paragraph you've hit the nail on the head. The zone between utterly incapacitated and sufficiently well...where you are well enough to tackle some stuff and not other bits. And you know what bits or things will push you more one way or the other, and you can't really articulate these to line managers because that is revealing the bits of the job that cause you the biggest issues and that feels weak...urgh!

      Managers need to grasp that individual's choices should not be extrapolated onto all cases.

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  10. Hi all! Thanks for welcoming me in, and sorry I didn't get back to you earlier. But I think this is going to work. Main reason: what makes me feel powerful is making good choices. I know what I'm *supposed* to do, I know what works, it's a matter of carrying through: Do I get up early and write, or do I sleep in and then fart around all day? Do I exercise restraint in my pastry habits, or do I indulge every single day? Do I go to yoga, or do I binge-watch some TV show?

    yes, sometimes I need the pastry, the lie-in, the TV. Nothing wrong with that. But not every day. And when I make good choices, I feel powerful, not deprived. And maybe tomorrow I'll have pastry and TV and "organize my bibliography" rather than write anything.

    So. On to goals. I've been working on my session goals for a while:

    • draft two book chapters (crappy draft okay)
    • Revise co-authored article MS (this one's a maybe; chapters are the priority)
    • Go through all papers/files in home & office & e-mail inbox and throw away or properly file everything.
    • Reboot my physical fitness

    As for this week (which ends soon! But I've got a start on it):

    • Write 2500 words on Hot Mess Chapter
    • 3 days yoga + 1 day morning meditation
    • finish reading 2 major source collections (messy medieval handwriting and all!)
    • Toss or file 30 things

    Is that too many things? Are we supposed to pick three? Or am I doing okay with the rules so far.

    I'll come back later to engage with what y'all have written. I know that's important. And thanks for having me!

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    1. You can have as many goals as you want! (Either that, or I regularly break the rules.)

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    2. "And when I make good choices, I feel powerful, not deprived."

      I think this is spot on. And I thought about it all day, which is why I made it to the yoga class at the new studio the evening, despite various reasons I could come up with for *not* going.

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    3. As many goals as you like - if you miss all of them for several weeks, someone will kindly suggest that maybe focusing on fewer might help you get back onto the achieving track, but our "rules" are pretty vague here - a plus of a smaller group.

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  11. Wonderful to have you here, Notorious PhD!

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  12. Powerful: hmmm. When I could run (before my knees got cranky) running made me feel powerful. I also sometimes feel powerful when I dress professionally and think I look boss: there's something about being put together that makes me feel I can do anything. (And it's not fancy clothes -- it's the "together" bit. Probably because if I've done that I don't feel as if I'm looking fat.

    Goals for last week:
    Assessment report NO
    Library list YES
    Last set of book orders YES
    Read Violence paper NO
    Walk Once
    Read for fun/ do things for fun I basically took the weekend off, but I don't think I did enough fun.

    Analysis: well, I had more meetings than I thought last week, and it was hard to get a head of steam. And I've been very tired. My mother has also had a number of issues that have taken my time; and yesterday, right after I pulled up last year's assessment report to cannialize, I learned that I had to immediately write a document about myself that I hadn't planned on. I ended up writing 2500 words of that. Sigh.

    Goals for the week ahead, even if it is Wednesday
    1. Do minimal draft of assessment reprot
    2. Turn to violence paper
    3. Walk in the mornings - its about to be fiendishly hot here (40 degrees C, over 100), so the morning is the only time to exercise
    4. Read
    5. Do at least one fun thing over the weekend

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    Replies
    1. I hope that very soon you'll be done with the assessment report and that you'll hit the summer slow down and that people won't ask you to immediately write 2500-hundred documents.

      I know we're supposed to "move like water," but sometimes I still curse the unexpected tasks that muck up my plans. And right now, I'm also cursing your2500-word document, even if the topic was a fascinating one. ;)

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    2. It's never good when filled with rage you draft an appeal to a personnel review....

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  13. I'm still thinking about powerful, and why I rarely feel it.

    I think one aspect is that I have never, ever felt physically competent, partly because my body is not designed for it - what with my malformed hip, food issues (WHY do hormones crave foods the gut and physiology loathes?), weight, clumsiness, wierd bad eyesight and general ability to fall over a pound note taped down all the way round the edge on a perfectly flat pavement... so I guess I was thinking power as competence and that sense of being in control of your own body and using it fully, of being enjoyably embodied, and whilst I fully accept the testimony of others that this is a real thing, I've never experienced it. I like the bit when I STOP doing something strenuous, but not because I feel powerful, just because I feel less uncomfortable/anxious/incompetent. Even hiking, I don't do very well or right, not in a way that makes me feel powerful or confident.

    And thinking stuff... well, part of it is the usual thing about being "too smart for your own good" as a criticism which lets me enjoy being good at intellectual pursuits but feel I need to hide or downplay them, and part of power is capability confidently displayed. Power over people only interests me if it allowed me to make them go away and not say mean things and respond instantly to my emails, and I work with academics, so... yeah, not even an option to me, and not really something I want. The otherness of other people is what makes them interesting, and that comes along with them doing their own thing not what I want, right?

    I'm very good at imagining and daydreaming - but still working hard on the voices that point out that it's unproductive and childish (rather than child-like) and escapist - and the creative writing expression of that is great fun, but I've never thought of that feeling of flow one gets when writing goes well (for whatever purpose - it can happen in work stuff as well as fun stuff) as being about feeling powerful. Perhaps because powerful to me has an element of being able to exert an influence on the world around me? Being seen to be knowledgeable/competent/whatever, or reaching that summit or beating that time or whatever, not just having fun and doing what you were made to do.

    Maybe my definition is the problem?

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